The Weekly Screed (#548)

Obama: “Evolving” toward Election Day
by David Benjamin

BROOKLYN — Today, President Obama once again postponed his endorsement of same-sex marriage. Despite demands to do so during a White House “Gay Pride” conference — the first such meeting in history — he chickened out, spouting the usual litany of ironic drivel about states’ rights and how he, personally, was “evolving.”

Here’s what he should’ve said:

“What are you people — out of your minds?

“You just got gay marriage in New York and now you want to queer the deal in 44 other states? What’s wrong with you?

“Do you remember nothing at all, Bruce? Have you forgotten that, throughout history in almost every culture, gay people have been regarded as the sickest puppies in the litter. For centuries, you’ve been ostracized and marginalized, closeted and tortured. In the Old Testament, you’re an abomination. You were gassed by Hitler and pounded into the pavement by the NYPD. Does the name Matthew Shepard ring a bell?

“When I was born, society’s prevailing image of a gay male was a beady-eyed creep hanging around public rest rooms offering candy to runaway boys for 60 seconds of desperate sodomy in a toilet stall. And the popular perception of lesbians was defined by the covers of pulp novels like ‘Warped,’ ‘Women’s Barracks’ and ‘Queer Affair.’

“That wasn’t long ago, Butch.

“Now, I know it’s thrilling to have Governor Cuomo and Mayor Bloomberg come out of the closet to give you a hug. But I’m not gonna do it. Not now. You know why?

“Because I’m on your side!

“Just since 2000, the LGBT Community (could you possibly think of another name?) has made earthshaking progress toward genuine equality. This has happened because straight people are getting to know you. The more gays come out, the more non-gays realize how many of their neighbors and co-workers, sons and daughters, brothers and sisters are as queer as Rock Hudson, and they realize that these gay friends and relatives are not the monsters and predators of pulp fiction and Pentecostal horror.

“With this incredible momentum on your side, the last thing you want — the one thing that could turn the tide and launch a new era of homosexual panic — would be me, Barack Obama, openly, publicly and stupidly supporting same-sex marriage.

“Look at the numbers. Today, about half the people in America support gay marriage, a vast increase over just a few years ago. Another 30 to 40 percent either favor civil unions or just don’t care. That leaves around 10 percent.

“However, most of that 10 percent — as many as 32 million Americans — are certifiably insane. These are people who populate an alternate universe devoid of facts, evidence and reality, where Fox News is the official broadcaster. These people hate me (but won’t admit they hate me) because I’m black, and also hate me because I’m only half-black, the result of my mother being a miscegenating voluptuary who gave birth to me in Kenya, schooled me in Islamist terrorism at a madrasa in Indonesia and broke into a hospital and two newspaper offices in Hawaii to plant fake evidence of my U.S. citizenship, so she could sneak me into Harvard, despite getting F’s in every subject in every school I ever attended, so that the international Jewish conspiracy could slip an affirmative-action dupe into the White House, to further the plans of the Trilateral Commission, the Carlyle Group and Opus Dei to nationalize all banks, stock exchanges, energy supplies and churches, force everyone to surrender their cars, turn over their guns, give up meat and pray to L. Ron Hubbard five times a day.

“I mean, these people are crazy — to a greater degree than the world population of non-institutionalized lunatics have ever been crazy — for two reasons. First, they are validated, 24 hours a day, by widely-respected media celebrities on talk-radio and TV, who are even crazier they are. Second, they have me.

“Every time I open my trap, these nuts go bananas all over again — off-the-wall, stark, freaking, slobbering gonzo. So crazy that Jack Nicholson could be their therapist.

“Now, pay attention, Gertude. Here’s what would happen if ol’ Barack Hussein — me — if I took your idiot advice and came out feet-first in favor of gay marriage:

“Within 24 hours, the uproar among Sean Hannity, Ann Coulter, Glenn Beck, Rush Limbaugh, Sarah Palin and their co-wackos would boil down to one breathtaking and unanswerable revelation. My reason for supporting same-sex marriage is not only because I am gayer than Liberace on Thursday, but because I have a secret gay lover.

“The mainstream media will resist this downpour of homophobic horse manure for the usual five minutes, after which Brian Williams or Wolf Blitzer will sadly and softspokenly wonder, “How long has the President known that he’s a flaming faggot? And what does Michelle know? And what will become of those dear little girls?”

“Matt Drudge will supply an answer (with corroboration on TMZ), claiming that my wife is filing for divorce after finding out about my twice-weekly gay trysts with Barney Frank at Fort Macy Park, not far from where Hillary Clinton gunned down Vincent Foster to cover up her lesbian affair with Monica Lewinsky.

“Rachel Maddow will drive the final nail, imploring me on national TV to come out, be proud, admit my love for another man, and heal the wounds of a nation divided.

“The entire 2012 election will focus on my pathetic, pathological refusal to climb out of the closet. FreedomWorks will launch a billion-dollar national campaign for a Constitutional ban on anything and everything that’s remotely gay — including pansies, doilies, hybrid cars, flavored martinis, Liza Minnelli and ‘Glee.’

“My re-election campaign will be dead on arrival. Your new president will probably be a homophobic harpy from Waterloo, Iowa who can’t tell John Wayne from John Wayne Gacy or — for that matter — shit from Shinola.

“So, excuse me for not stripping down to my bikini briefs and joining the parade. Trust me, boys and boys, and girls and girls. Until after the election, I’m pleading the Fifth on this issue, and I’m doing it for your own good.”