The Weekly Screed (#554)

Obama done in again, by Koran, Ramadan and Timex™
by David Benjamin

(Overheard last week on a huge black bus somewhere in Iowa.)

POTUS: “Well, looks like we’ll be late getting into River City, Ed.
It’s already 10:20.”

SECRET SERVICE AGENT X-19 (also known as “Ed”): “No sir, it’s not
10:20. It’s 10:21 and nine seconds.”

POTUS: “OK, Ed. 10:20 or 10:21. It’s still pretty much the same time
in the morning.”

ED: (A sigh.) “No sir, not the same at all. Not when the life of the
Leader of the Free World is on the line. Mr. President, I wish you’d
stop wearing that cheap watch.”

POTUS: “Cheap watch? Ed, this was a birthday gift from my little
girls. It’s a genuine Timex™ Modern Originals Sport Style humdinger.
They saved up to buy it for me.”

ED: “Yes sir, I know it has sentimental value but — ”

POTUS: “Besides, how’m I gonna know what time it is?”

ED: “Mr. President, look around. What do you see?”

POTUS: (Looks around.) “Secret Service guys, Ed. Just like you. A
whole freakin’ busload.”

ED: “Exactly, sir. And every one of us has a watch, synchronized to
exactly the same split second. You are surrounded, sir, by loyal,
alert, armed men who can tell you the time, which right now is exactly
— wait! — 10:23 and one-point-six seconds.”

POTUS: (Checks his watch.) “Hm. That isn’t what I have on my watch, Ed.”

ED: “No sir, it’s not. Your watch loses exactly 2.31 seconds every
day. It’s been 11 days since you synchronized, Mr. President. You’re
roughly 25.41 seconds slow.”

POTUS: “Roughly?”

ED: “Mr. President, we really wish you could bring yourself to give up
the watch.”

POTUS: “OK, Ed. If I promise to synchronize every day, I won’t be so
slow. Right?”

ED: “Well, sir, it’s not just the time. It’s the whackos?”

POTUS: “Whackos?”

ED: “Yes sir, they’re watching you like hawks, waiting for the tiniest
slip-up. They study you, sir. Every change in your appearance launches
a million paranoid e-mails.”

POTUS: “Ed, I don’t understand why my watch being 2.3 seconds slow
should trigger a million paranoids to do anything.”

ED: “Sir, forget about the 2.3 seconds. Think, instead, about flag
pins. You remember how all those right-wing nuts concluded that you
were the spawn of Hitler and the godson of Earl Warren because you
didn’t have a flag pin on your lapel?”

POTUS: “Yes, and I gave in. I wear the damn pin everywhere I go now.
Michelle complains that I keep poking her in bed. Frankly, Ed, I don’t
see the point of wearing a flag pin on my pajamas.”

ED: “Sir, what if there’s a fire drill?”

POTUS: (A sigh.) “OK, Ed. I give up. Why is a Timex like a flag pin?”

ED: “It is when it’s missing, sir.
”
POTUS: “Ed, is this some sort of kid’s riddle? Like when is a door not a door?”

ED: “No, Mr. President. You see, there’s this sweet lady in Appleton.
Her name is Kathy Ulman. She’s devoutly Catholic and when she’s not in
church, she’s on the Web.”

POTUS: “Maybe we should head up to Appleton and drop in on her.”

ED: “Wouldn’t welcome us, sir. She’s the one who spread the alarm
about your watch.”

POTUS: “All right, what is it about my watch that bothers this nice,
deluded woman?”

ED: “Well, sir, she noticed that, during your last press conference,
you were not wearing your wedding ring. Do you remember?”

POTUS: “Sure! Michelle said it looked dull and dingy. So, I gave it to
you. You sent it to be polished. And now it looks great. Looky there,
Ed! Shines like a new penny.”

ED: “Yes, but that same day, same press conference, you DID NOT wear
your watch.”

POTUS: (Pauses to think.) “You’re right, Ed. I left it on the bathroom
sink. So what?”

ED: “Yes, well, Kathy… and a million other Obama-haters —
propeller-heads, bigots, apocalyptics, bloggers, tweeters, tweakers,
Rush Limbaugh — they all noticed.”

POTUS: “So, wha’d they wanna do? Pitch in and buy me a new watch?” (A chuckle.)

ED: (No chuckle.) “No sir, that’s not the point. It was Ramadan.”

POTUS: “Nope. You’re wrong. Ed. It was a Timex™ Modern Originals Sport watch.”

ED: (A sigh) “Sir, the day of the press conference was Ramadan, and
they all saw. Kathy saw. Hannity saw. Sarah certainly saw. Cantor and
Ryan saw. Every right-wing hermit who plays Fox News 24/7, or sits in
the middle of a pile of pizza crusts and crushed beer cans listening
to talk-radio at 3 in the morning. They all saw.”

POTUS: “Ed, please, for God’s sake! WHAT did these people all see?”

ED: “They saw what the mainstream media — blinded by liberal bias and
your personal charm, Mr. President — could not see. They saw that you
— true to the tenets of the prophet Mohammed in the sacred Koran — had
removed all your jewelry, wedding ring and watch, for Ramadan. They
saw definitive, absolute, last-nail-in-the-coffin PROOF that you are a
Muslim born in Kenya, brainwashed in an Indonesian madrasa, and sworn
to the creation of a world caliphate ruled by Osama bin Laden — whose
death was as fraudulent as the Apollo 11 moon landing.”

POTUS: “That’s silly, Ed. One of the reporters asked about the ring.
And I explained.”

ED: “Too late, sir. Your answer was part of the cover-up. Besides, you
compounded the deception by nakedly refusing to explain the mysterious
missing Timex.”

POTUS: “But nobody cared about my damn watch, Ed. Nobody asked.”

ED: “Of course no one asked, Mr. President. The supine toadies of the
White House press corps are blinded by liberal bias and co-opted by
your charm. They’re part of the conspiracy. Try to explain away a
conspiracy, sir, and you only confirm it.”

POTUS: “Ed, for God’s sake, it’s a cheap Timex. Does that even count
as jewelry?”

ED: “Hey, don’t ask me, sir. A question like that would require a
Muslim theologian.”

POTUS: “OK then. Who do I ask?”

ED: “Well, we could drive up to Appleton, sir. Someone there oughta know.”