The Weekly Screed (#584)

Mitt Romney gets what he wished for
by David Benjamin

On a Friday in late October, 2013, President Romney gazed from the Oval Office at a brisk, beautiful day of clear blue skies. But the President’s mood was far from sunny.

“Gosh darn it!” he cursed. “Nine months in office and I still don’t have a war. What’s up with Iran? Why haven’t we attacked? Where’s the shock? Where’s the awe?”

President Mitt scowled at his “kitchen cabinet” of closest advisors, gathered ‘round him. Vice President Huckabee spoke up. “Mr. President, we’re ready to roll. Half-a-dozen aircraft carriers in the Persian Gulf, along with 50 submarines armed with nuclear missiles. We have a million troops ready to charge across the border and wipe out anything that moves — women, kids, houses and villages. Trouble is…”

“What trouble?” snapped the President. “I was not elected to deal with trouble!”

“Well, sir,” said Secretary of State Palin, “there’s the matter of paying all those extra troops.”

“Paying troops? What’s going on here?” cried President Mitt. “I thought we had all-volunteer armed forces. My wife used to volunteer for the Mormon Ladies Relief Society. She never got paid; she donated. Who pays volunteers? What’s going on here?”

“I was surprised myself when I found out last week,” said Palin, “but it turns out that ‘volunteer’ in this case is a figure of speech. We actually have to pay our troops.”

“They want money? That’s not fair! The greedy pikers volunteered. Fire ‘em! Fire ‘em all!” President Mitt was so aroused he almost unbuttoned his suit jacket.

“Well, we could fire the troops, sir,” offered Defense Secretary Donny Osmond. But then we’d be shorthanded for the conquest of Iran. You won’t have your war.”

President Mitt was so upset he almost loosened his tie. “But I need a war. I deserve a war. I’m a Republican, darn it! I have defense contractors to answer to.”

“Strictly speaking, sir, wars tend not to make a profit,” said Treasury Secretary Paul Ryan. “I’ve crunched the numbers. We have to find more money somewhere. I’d urge you to slash spending and suck more revenue out of wage-earners who can’t fight back.”

“Brilliant, Paul,” said the President. “You’re the Einstein of budgets. Let’s start by killing unemployment insurance, food stamps, disability payments, home heat subsidies, day care, Head Start, job training, pre-natal care, cancer screening, Pell Grants, flu shots, mammograms, diabetes research, that dumb S-CHIP thing, AIDS prevention, legal aid, soup kitchens, women’s shelters, school lunches, school breakfasts, school nurses, schools, mail delivery, the GI Bill, the VA, SEC, FEC, NLRB, Planned Parenthood…”

“Um, Mr. President, we can’t quite do all that,” said Chief of Staff Sean Hannity.

“Can’t? Don’t tell me what I can’t do. I’m the President, gol-dang it!”

“Yes, but we already wiped out all the waste and fraud you just mentioned,” said Hannity. “In your first week, we passed the Making America the Beautiful Free At Last Gosh Darn It! Omnibus Budget Bill (MABFALGDIOBB). You signed it, sir.”

The President’s secretary Alice, spoke up softly. “That’s why those thousands of people — the jobless, mothers, babies, teachers, students, doctors and nurses, veterans,  cripples and puppies — are camped out on the Mall, sir,” she said. “In Romneyville.”

“Alice, you’re fired,” said the President.

“Speaking of all those Romneyvilles, sir,” said Commerce Secretary Trump, “I’m afraid they relate to our Iran problem. It seems that ordinary people aren’t the golden goose we all thought they were. Turns out they weren’t kidding. They really are broke. We’ve finally bled ‘em dry. We have to start talking income, sir. Revenue. Taxes.”

A shock wave swept the suddenly silent Oval Office at the utterance of the taboo “T” word. No one dared to look at the doomed Commerce Secretary.

The President said, “Donald, you’re fired.”

As Secretary Trump departed in tears, Secretary of State Palin had an idea.

“Why not just get the money from Israel? They’re the ones really worried about Iran, and they’re all Jews, right? And Jews have all the money. Everybody knows that! So, let’s bill the Jews,” she said. “And if they don’t wanna pay, we can threaten to bomb Jordan.”

V.P. Huckabee said, “Why would we bomb Jordan?”

“Well, dummy,” said the Secretary of State, “because it’s the capital of Israel.”

“No, it isn’t,” said Chief of Staff Hannity. “Jerusalem’s the capital of Israel.”

“Technically,” said Alice, looking up from her notes, “it’s Tel Aviv.”

“Mitt,” said Secretary Palin, “I thought you fired her.”

“OK, I got it!” said Treasury Secretary Ryan. “We’ll call on our base — corporations, Wall Street bankers, trust funders, oilmen, media moguls, Silicon Valley tycoons, NASCAR owners, hedge funders and private equity buyout vultures.”

“I can’t believe my ears,” said Budget Director Grover Norquist, shuddering with revulsion. “You’re proposing that we ask the rich to pay…”

He couldn’t bring himself to say the word. No one could. The President glowered. The Oval Office sank into a deathly hush. The First Lady had an attack of the vapors.

“Venture capital!” cried out Secretary Ryan. “Bombing Iran back to the Stone Age is a venture, Mr. President. A grand venture! And where do you get venture capital? From the working poor and the middle class? From schoolteachers and steelworkers?”

“No, by golly!” exclaimed President Mitt. “I know all about venture capital from my brilliant career at Bain Capital. You get VC from the rich, the idle, the gullible. From suckers with one too many Ferraris! But, Paul, how can we possibly ask them for…?”

“Don’t ask. Tell!” said Ryan. “Call it venture capital for America (VCA). We pass a law requiring every fatcat and high-roller to pay their patriotic fair share. We assess it at a rate of — oh — 39.5 percent on all income higher than, say, a million bucks.”

The idea was breathtaking — further proof of Ryan’s genius. The kitchen cabinet applauded wildly. The President got so carried away that he mussed his hair.

Alice, who was still in the room, closed her steno book and smiled. To herself, she said: “Funny, but I’d swear I’ve heard that idea before?”