My rights are bigger than your rights
by David Benjamin
“In
recent decisions, the conservative majority on the Supreme Court has
made clear its view that corporations are people, with all the attendant
rights. They are entitled to free speech… They are entitled to
religious beliefs… Up next, the right to bear arms?”
— Paul Krugman, The New York Times
Grosscup answered the doorbell.
When he saw who had rung the bell, he tried to slam the door shut, but was thwarted by a huge foot in a steel-toed jackboot.
“Hey, this is my house!” he said. “Who are you?”
Grosscup
found himself gazing fearfully at a half-dozen burly men, armed to the
teeth, carrying AK-47 assault rifles, with 9mm Glock handguns in their
holsters and hand grenades on their belts. One of them carried a
deadly-looking Browning automatic rifle with an ammunition belt slung
across his chest. Ironically, they were all wearing bright blue polo
shirts adorned with the logo of a well-known automobile brand. They wore
matching blue baseball caps.
“Mr. Grosscup?” said the intruder with his foot in the door.
Reluctantly, Grosscup admitted it. “Yeah, I’m Grosscup.”
“Great,”
said the leader of the squad. He grinned stiffly and said, “I’m
Friendly Dave. We’re from Schumacher Chevrolet. We’re having our big
July sale-a-thon and we’re here to help you buy your new Chevy SUV.”
“A Chevy SUV?” said Grosscup. “I don’t want a Chevy SUV!”
Lowering his
gun barrel to a point between Grosscup’s eyes, Friendly Dave said, “Oh,
sure you do. First, let’s go to your bank and pick up a little ready
cash.”
Despite serious misgivings, Grosscup was bundled into a
black Suburban with tinted windows, where he sat flanked by two burly
car salesmen, their weapons cocked and aimed at his brains.
Within a half
hour, dazed and confused, with a cashier’s check for a little under
$45,000, Grosscup was on his way to Schumacher Chevy, still sandwiched
by two sale-a-thon gunslingers. As they pulled up in the dealer’s lot,
right next to Grosscup’s brand-new, candy-apple red Chevrolet Tahoe, he
put his foot down.
“Just one darn minute here,” he squeaked, “why
are you kidnapping me? Why are you forcing me to buy this clunky
Detroit-made pile of nuts and bolts?”
Friendly Dave
turned his unfriendly gaze toward Grosscup. “Oh, no, no, no, Mr. G,” he
said. “This is not a kidnapping. We are not, any means, coercing you.”
“But you’ve dragged me from my house, made me withdraw forty grand — ”
“All we’re doing,” said Friendly Dave patiently, “is exercising our Second Amendment rights to bear arms, with the blessing of the Supreme Court.”
“Wait! That’s wrong,” cried Grosscup. “The Second Amendment allows you
to buy guns and carry them around. But it’s still illegal to point guns
at people and take their money.”
“Oh, Mr. Grosscup. We’re not
taking your money. We’re just facilitating a very desirable purchase.
This 2015 Tahoe? Hey, honest! She’s a creampuff,” said Friendly Dave.
“Besides, we’re not bearing arms as individuals. We are, corporately,
bearing arms as one big person known popularly as General Motors.”
Grosscup was befuddled. As a conservative, he agreed with the Supreme Court’s Citizens United and Hobby Lobby
decisions, defining corporations as people. “But, but, but,” he
blurted. “But the right to bear arms doesn’t include the right to
intimidate me, and bully me into doing things I don’t want to do.”
All the
bullies laughed at this. After the hilarity died down, Friendly Dave
said, “Grosscup. Remember the playground in grade school, and how the
big kids hogged the ball and pounded the smaller kids, how they used to
call you fat-ass and pull down your pants, bloody your nose, rub your
face in the dirty snow.”
“I sure do,” said Grosscup forlornly. “I used to hate recess.”
“Well, it’s
recess in America, Grosscup. That’s how Constitutional rights work
nowadays. Thanks to Justice Roberts and the Shondells, the big guys —
the largest persons in the body politic — are us. Multinational
corporations.”
“But I’m a person, too. I was a person before you
were,” said Grosscup. “I’ve got my rights. If you make me do this, I’ll
take you to court!”
“Ah, to court!” said Friendly Dave. “So, Grosscup. You have a lawyer?”
“Er, no. But I’ll hire one, darn it. You’ll see!”
“Mr. Grosscup.
We’re General Motors,” said Friendly Dave piteously. “We have two
thousand lawyers, each one of them pulling down $500 an hour. We own the
playground. You are an ant on the pavement.”
“But, but that’s not fair,” whined Grosscup.
“Sure, it’s
fair, Grosscup,” said Friendly Dave. “You have the very same rights that
we have at GM. But you’re one ordinary, lonesome shnook. We’re huge.
Our rights are bigger than yours. If you say something, which is your
right, we can say the opposite, 10,000 times louder — and longer than
you can keep on breathing. You can pray, but your God is the size of a
flea. Our God, with five rock-solid Supreme Court votes and 4,000
dealerships from coast to coast, can crush your God between two
fingernails.”
Grosscup’s head was spinning. He sagged in his seat. “I didn’t realize…”
“That some
rights are bigger than other rights, depending on who owns them?” said
Friendly Dave. “Well, now you’re wised-up, Grosscup. Now, let’s talk
about the undercoating.”
“Undercoating?” said Grosscup. “Oh no. Everybody knows that undercoating is a scam. I won’t pay for — ”
Grosscup felt the cold steel of an AK-47 suddenly pressing against his temple.
“Oh,” he said. “Did you say undercoating? Well, that’s different. How much can I get?”
Monday, July 28, 2014
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