A snatch of trade-show jazz
by David Benjamin
BARCELONA — If it’s March, it must be the Mobile World Congress (MWC).
January was Vegas and CES. Been to IFA, NAB, CATV, DVB (in Dublin, with
whiskey tastings and dog races — loved that), Electronica, CeBit (in
Hanover, proudly known as “The Armpit of Lower Saxony"), IBC, even once
hung with the leisure suits at the RCCC wing-ding in Grand Rapids.
Here,
it’s “cellular devices,” everyone peering into 5-inch screens,
thousands of phoneblind geeks veering and stumbling, like the first reel
of The Day of the Triffids and I’m Howard Keel. What am I doing here? My only phone sits on a table at home.
I’m a spy at a Star Trek convention.
Everyone is breeding tribbles and hoarding dilithium crystals to warp
themselves into strange worlds (5G, wherever that is) whence no nerd has
gone before. Over there, back to back, two propeller-heads staring into
the hypno-screens of their “communicators,” executing a Vulcan
mind-meld and catching up on Kirk’s weight-gain issues. Except, well,
this starship voyage is real. These mooks are serious. They have the
power, the money, the technology to make all of us into trekkies,
transporting us into text-eternal exile on the mothballed transport
Botany Bay, somewhere beyond the Neutral Zone.
I’m the only one without a smartphone. But I’m a certified smartass, and I’m carrying a book (Deadwood by Pete Dexter), just in case things get boring.
And they do get boring.
Up
on the huge screen before the “keynote” session (how can a speech be
“key” if there are two or three of them every day?) a six-foot portrait
of Mark Zuckerberg, Facebook feuhrer.
A hero here. For most of us a lot more ambiguous. Internet pioneer or a
greedy little dropout with a Napoleon complex? What have you done to my
privacy, Zuck?
Oh God, there goes the music. Throb, throb,
wham! At 120 decibels. Every high-tech trade show I’ve been to… How many
years? Giant speakers and a beat dumber than Diana Ross singing “Baby Love.”
Thump, thump, thump, not even a “thumpety” in between. Speakers the
size of a two-car garage, and music composed by gifted gorillas
force-fed barbiturates. Makes Iron Butterfly and Twisted Sister sound
subtle and sophisticated. Wham wham wham, screech, THUMP.
Picture Beethoven here, feeling the throb. Smiling. Glad to be deaf.
But
it works, Makes you grateful when the human speakers finally hit the
stage, spouting drivel but so much more tuneful than the alleged music
of the concussive fanfare. It’s hard to trust anyone, or any
organization, or any collection of 90,000 like-minded trade-show
zombies whose musical taste stinks this bad.
Next year, I bring tomatoes.
Not to eat.
As
the alleged “music” humps and thunders, words two yards tall explode on
a stageful of screens. Theme seems to be “ME.” Mobile entertainment?
Massive entropy? Mind-numbing ennui? The flicker-flashing, epileptic
uber-images — shades of The Andromeda Strain?
— assist in conveying the existential apotheosis of consumer gadgetry…
my Internet, my money, My health, My education, MY travel, MY
entertainment, MY friends, MY identity, MY lobotomy!
OK, I added that last one.
By
and by, a woman marches on stage. She has quiet self-assurance of a
wounded cobra. Her name is Anne and she’s Director General of the GSMA —
which used to stand for something, but now it’s NBI. She makes it clear
that she wants everything “connected.” Connected cars, bikes, mopeds.
Connected toothbrushes. (You get a shock if you skip a molar.) Connected
suitcases. Connected suicide bombers destroying five different Burger
Kings simultaneously.
Oops. Wait. We already have that.
Even
so, what they don’t seem to have is connected security. To get as far
into the Fira Barcelona as this “keynote,” there are security checks
over and over. Six times. The only guys not carrying mobile phones are
shlepping machine guns. And the uniforms! Lapis lazuli with red
epaulets. Charcoal from head-to-toe with a jaunty maroon beret. Dark
khaki with form-fitting body armor (a full metal jacket) and bloused
pantaloons. Desert camo with forest-green trim highlights and
patent-leather, steel-toe jackboots. Spain is the rue du Faubourg
Saint-Honoré of military haute couture. Generalissimo Francisco Franco lives!
Nice
thing about Spain? They hire pretty girls to stand around directing the
clueless. Uniforms aren’t as varied and flattering as the cops and
soldiers’ outfits, but they’re cute, in navy blue with red blazers, red
scarves. One senorita smiles glowingly and Ray Charles bubbles
ineluctably upward…
“See the girl with the red scarf on! She can do the dog all night long, oh-oh yeah…”
Along
the way to the keynote, tall unnerving banners declaring the
“unleashing” of various “markets.” From what? I pass under “South Africa
Unleashed.” But didn’t that happen, finally, in ‘94? There are more
unleashings — Colombia (a little scary — cocaine, anyone?), Peru (would
anybody notice?), Russia (fine, but can we snap that idle leash onto
Vlad the Terrible?). Wait a minute. “Germany Unleashed”? Even after 70
years, the idea of the Fourth Reich — unleashed Rottweilers and
Dobermans (and Angela Merkel in a pants suit!) galloping amok across the
Englischer Garten, mangling poodles and swallowing Yorkies whole? —
tends to trigger my weltschmerz.
Besides “unleashed,” the
big word here, in the corridors, on banners, printed in nine-foot
letters on the show floor, is “INNOVATION” (all caps). Same as at CES,
same for years at IFA, NAB, IBC, Electronica, etc. Marketing types in
geekworld use “innovation” the way teenagers use “like,” “y’know,”
“dude,” “awesome.” Y’know? Like that, dude.
Picture a precocious
Mobile-Worlder, 13 or so, checking it all out, saying, “Whoa, hey!
Awesome, I mean, like, the innovation here, I mean, y’know, these
innovative dudes’re awesome at y’know, like, innovating, dude! I’m like,
whoa. Y’know. I mean, that’s what it is, dude, like, innovation!”
Yes. I know. (Scotty, quick! Beam me up.)
Saturday, March 7, 2015
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