How much does America suck?
by David Benjamin
“The American dream is dead.”
— Donald Trump
PARIS
— From a European perspective, the infestation of Mexicans pouring
across through the cheesecloth southern border of the United States looks
almost tolerable compared to the millions of refugees fleeing Syria and
the Middle East. These displaced paupers are inundating the Balkans,
littering the shores of Greece, sundering razor-wire with their bare
hands in Macedonia, battling border guards in Hungary, galloping north
in pillaging hordes toward Austria, Germany and even the lily-white
France of Jean-Marie Le Pen and Josephine Baker — like a vast, voracious swarm of Muslim locusts.
But in the midst of these parallel immigration crises, in America and in Europe, Hungarian prime minister Viktor Orbán has shone a ray of hope.
Last
week, surveying a sea of swarthy, unwashed foreigners in a Hungarian
train station, Orbán was coolly confident that this would all blow over
soon, because none of these people, “want to stay in Hungary.” Viktor
Orbán was steeled with the assurance that his poor, ill-governed and
inhospitable nation is a toilet.
The millions rushing to the
Hungarian border will just keep on rushing, says Orbán, because his
country has nothing to offer any sensible refugee. Nobody’s gonna stay.
With a wink of ironic pride, Orbán boasted that Hungary —
notwithstanding the charm and beauty of Budapest — sucks.
On
Wednesday in California, fifteen Republican presidential candidates
endorsed what might be called the Orbán Doctrine, applied to America.
They all pretty much concurred with the proposition that America really —
really! — sucks.
Today in the US, thanks to President Obama,
Planned Parenthood butchers are roaming the streets, ripping fully
formed fetuses from random wombs, spreading them on filthy tables, while
their tiny hearts beat and their legs kick. Then they remove the living
brains and auction them off like candlesticks at an estate sale.
Today,
while the ISIS navy is surrounding America’s ports with submarines and
massing its armies on America’s borders, President Obama is too cowardly
to utter the phrase “radical Islam.” He’s a sniveling pussy who kisses
Vladimir’s Putin’s ass and cringes at the mention of Ayatollah Khameini,
to whom he has bargained away the safety of Israel and the future of
America, welcoming Iran into the nuclear club. America is mere weeks
away from a rain of ICBMS from Tehran.
And if the Muslims don’t get us, the Chinese will launch a cyberattack that makes Die Hard IV
look like a debutante ball at the Waldorf-Astoria. Every computer will
croak, every phone will go blank, all the lights will go out, and the
only thing penetrating America’s coast-to-coast darkness will be Chinese
ICBMs.
Led by Obama, Christianity is in mortal peril. Children
not “systematically murdered” in the womb are being systematically
destroyed by public schools, despite brave efforts by reformers to
privatize education with vouchers and charters. The Common Core is the
most monstrously conceived and dangerous plot against the American dream
since the fluoridation of water sapped and impurified our precious bodily fluids.
Above
all, there are the illegals, all those short, dark, sinister mooks who
join gangs, who conspired — 11, 12, 30 million of them — to murder a
white girl in San Francisco and prove that they’re all “bad bad guys”
sent here by a Mexican president who’s a thousand times smarter than
Barack Hussein Obama.
While Planned Parenthood slaughters
millions of feti a year, the Mexicans are dropping anchor babies like
nymphomaniac bunny-rabbits. Aliens keep coming. They keep applying for
jobs at Burger King, mowing our lawns, blowing our leaves, picking our
tomatoes, getting in our way on the road in their rickety pickup trucks
and refusing, — goddamn it — to learn English.
Why do they keep
coming? America already sucks. The GOP debate made this clear. Oh, sure,
we were riding high in 2008. The economy was soaring. Unemployment was
nonexistent. The deficit had disappeared. The Iraq War was a glorious
mission that had won the hearts not only of Americans but of Iraqis who
showered our troops with flowers. Cities like Detroit and New Orleans
were burgeoning. And then, Obama came along and queered the whole deal.
Still,
for some reason, foreigners keep flocking to America. They keep
believing in an American dream that the colored boy in the White House
has turned into a hideous, horrific Wes Craven nightmare.
We have
to face reality. America sucks, yes! But America doesn’t suck enough.
According to the Orbán Doctrine, the secret to keeping the barbarians,
interlopers and freeloaders from the gates is to sink lower. But can we
do so with a GOP president who’s openly determined to “make America
great again.” If America is great, won’t Mexicans be all the more eager
to creep under the fence and lock their purple lips onto the Lady
Liberty’s buttermilk-gorged tit?
Today, greatness is the last
thing America needs. If we want to make America so wretched that even a
wetback felon will prefer to just scurry on through — all the way to
Canada — we can’t trust the job to any of these Republicans. They each
know all kinds of cool, secret stuff about how to make America a whole
lot more prosperous, attractive and free. They said so.
Which
means they have to leave the race. If we want an America as unlivable as
Hungary, well, the man for that job is the Socialist who turned Vermont
into a wasteland. The woman for the job is obviously the bitch of
Benghazi.
We cannot risk the economic, cultural and Christian
renaissance that our Republican candidates are guaranteeing. To get our
country back, America has to become a humongous, festering hellhole —
like, say, Syria. For that dream-come-true, we need a Democratic doofus
even dumber than Obama.
Thursday, September 17, 2015
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