The Weekly Screed (#766)

A really great — incredible! —
foreign policy plan!!
by David Benjamin

“His first hundred days would be riveting.”
                                                 — Ari Fleischer

TRUMP HEADQUARTERS, NEVERNEVERLAND U.S.A. — Listen! The first thing we do — first thing! — we buy Mexico. The whole country. I mean, that’s how I do things. I make deals! I’m a dealmaker. And this deal? This would be a great — incredible, unbelievable, beautiful — deal. Really. Believe me. This will be great! The deal to end all deals. Until the next one, of course. Am I gonna be makin’ deals? I mean, really. Your head’s gonna be spinning — ‘cause that’s what I do. I deal!

So, we buy Mexico! This is brilliant. I’ll make ‘em a deal they can’t resist. I’ve done this so many times! They won’t know what hit ‘em. Hey, like the Jews say: “Such a deal!”  And then, we rent the whole place back to ‘em, Mexico! To the Mexicans — every house, every farm, every taco stand, the works. Everything! We’re the landlord. Believe me, I know how to be a landlord — a good landlord. I’m a great landlord! My tenants? They all love me! And I love them, and that’s how I’m gonna treat Mexico. They’re gonna love me! Ya know why? ‘Cause I’m gonna give ‘em jobs! Jobs — on the Wall. That’s right. Lookit this. Is this an incredible deal? We buy Mexico, lock, stock and tortillas, right? And then we get the money back from the Mexicans, in rent. And then we use the rent money to pay the Mexicans to build the Wall that keeps the Mexicans out of America. And here’s the beauty part! Listen! These dirt-poor Mexicans who all wanna sneak across the border? They’ll be makin’ seven, seven-and-a-half an hour — which is, like, a fortune in Mexico. They‘ll all be doin’ great. Rich! They won’t wanna come to America anymore. Besides, there’s gonna be the Wall. This great, big, beautiful Wall that nobody can climb over, because, I tell ta! What a Wall this is gonna be! Believe me! A Wall to end all walls!

But here’s the beauty part. Because we’ll only be paying the beaners seven, seven-and-a-half an hour and collecting rent on everything in Mexico, like the beaches and Puerto Vallarta and all those hotels in Cancun — I mean, the profit? It’s gonna be yooge. I mean, yooge! Trust me. I know these things. I been a landlord all my life. My father was a landlord. And what a great guy. Really! Every tenant loved him. They came to his funeral. Thousands. Millions of ‘em. Lines you couldn’t believe! And the crying? My God! They were mopping up the tears, really! Incredible. But look, I know. I know about rent. We take the profits. In six months, max — maybe less! Four, five months, we got enough, we can buy the rest of Central America — all those tiny little low-energy banana republics. We buy ‘em all! This’ll be easy. Nicaragua, Hondemala, Costa Mesa, Berlitz. And the others. And the best part? Panama! We buy Panama, canal and all. And if anybody — Russians, Chinese, the French, whoever? They wanna send a ship, two ships, a thousand ships, through the Panama Canal? Who they gonna call? They’re gonna call me! Us! America! And first thing we do? We double the price! ‘Cause, you know why? ‘Cause we own it! Is this beautiful?

And who’s gonna stop us? Nobody! Ya know why? ‘Cause the first thing I do, I’m gonna make sure I got the best navy, the biggest army, the toughest fighting force, the best bombs and cannons, battleships and fighter jets and missiles anybody ever had. Nobody’s gonna mess with me. I mean us. And if we say pay double, or triple, to go through the Panama Canal, they’re gonna pay! ‘Cause you know what we’re gonna do next, I mean even before we buy Colombia and Brazil and Argentina and maybe Germany — did ya know? My family’s German, originally. We were immigrants, too, but we came here legally. I love immigrants! And they love me! I get such hugs from immigrants! The legal ones. My wife is an immigrant. Didja know? Really! And she’s really hot! Take a look! My God, the tits on her! And my daughter? If she wasn’t my daughter, lemme tell ya! Hubba hubba! But I’m against people having sex with their kids, especially if they’re, like, under twelve tears old. But the older ones? If it’s consensual…

But listen! The Panama Canal? Gonna make us a fortune! I mean, money coming out of our ears! The national debt? Fifty trillion bucks? Gone! Just like that. Wham! Pow! Gonzo! With so much left over — hey! Tell ya what! We build another canal. I mean, look, the Panama Canal? Really? Have you seen it? It’s pathetic. How old is it? Lemme tell ya, if I had ships? I mean, these would big, big ships! I mean, yooge! You know me. I don’t do anything small! So they wouldn’t fit. My ships would not fit this crummy, pathetic, outdated Panama Canal. We need a new canal! And that’s what we’re gonna get! And you know what that’s gonna mean? Jobs! Jobs! Thousands of jobs. The blacks are gonna love me, ‘cause I’m gonna get ‘em out of their barbershops and their crackhouses and ghettos and I’m gonna give ‘em these great jobs, beautiful jobs! Down in Panama. Incredible jobs, with barracks and cafeterias and all the fried chicken they can eat! Digging the greatest canal you ever saw. A beautiful canal. A mile wide! And all these happy blacks making seven, seven-and-a-half an hour — I mean they’ll think they died and went to nigger heaven! All of ‘em digging and singing! “Oh when the saints go marchin’ in, Oh when the saints — ”

Listen, believe me, trust me, this is only the beginning — ‘cause you know how we can beat ISIS? I mean, this is so easy! I mean it. Listen to me. We buy them, too. The ISIS guys. Lock, stock and camels. I mean, they hate us, right? Why? ‘Cause we’re rich and they’re still livin’ in freakin’ tents. With camels! Really, that would piss me off, too. So, what we do — listen, this is so easy. I don’t know why nobody ever thought of this before. I mean, our politicians are so stupid. Stupid! Really. A total disaster. So, we bomb out an area — thousands of bombs — right there in ISIS territory, right? A few square miles. Bomb it to Kingdom Come. Maybe a nuke or two, but little ones, OK? Then we send in a few thousand troops to guard it and then — Pow! Alakazam! — a casino. As soon as it’s up, we say to ISIS, hey, boys, it’s yours, baby. Here’s the keys! You’re like the Mohegans in Connecticut or the Potowatchamacallits. You guys the Indians who run the casino. Just take the money and leave us alone. Believe me, this’ll work. Hey, look around! Are we afraid of the Indians anymore? No! Ya know why? We gave ‘em casinos.

Hey, listen! I gotta million ideas. Believe me, they’re all gonna work. My ideas? I got great ideas! Beautiful ideas. Big ones! Bigger than my you-know-what down there — which, trust me, is yooge! Lemme tell ya what were gonna do with Russia, and my buddy Putin. What a guy! Beautiful guy. Loves me, too! Listen…