The Weekly Screed (#782)

Pop quiz
by David Benjamin

MADISON, Wis. — One of the most entertaining moments in every election cycle is when a candidate who’s been saturated with talking points and pumped full of pat answers gets blindsided by a query that neither he/she, nor any of his/her handlers, ever saw coming. The latest example was when Mike Barnicle, on “Morning Joe,” asked Libertarian Gary Johnson about the war-torn largest city in Syria and Johnson replied, “What’s Aleppo?”

Classic.

This blunder ranks right up there with Sarah Palin not being able to tell Katie Couric what she reads, George H.W. Bush reeling in wonder at the sight of a bar-code reader in the checkout line, and Ted Kennedy going blank when Roger Mudd asked, “Why do you want to be president?”

This year, of course, we have at least one candidate who would probably flunk all four of those examples, plus many more. On the other hand, the GOP candidate’s opponent is a smarty-pants girl who knows too much, knows she knows it, shows it off and annoys people so totally that they’re threatening to vote for Jill Stein.

In light of this weird 2016 dynamic, I’ve spent a couple of days compiling questions, some of which might befuddle both of these aspirants to the White House. If we spring a few of these stumpers on them, their responses — or lack thereof — might ease the pain of choosing one or the other.

The following pop quiz is an intentional hodgepodge, meant to judge how well each candidate knows America and the world and, most important, how “everyday people” deal with the quotidian realities that neither Trump nor Hillary has had to face for a long while, if ever. For instance:

1. What do you do with a seven-ten split?

I know. Neither Einstein nor Dick Weber ever came up with a theory for that. But the rest are easier.

2. What’s the capital of Kentucky? What about Delaware? And Ukraine?

3. Who’s Jim Crow?

4. ISIS, what does that stand for? What about ISIL?

5. What’s a charter school?

6. Where was your shirt/dress made? How about your shoes?

7. Who shot Bobby Kennedy? How about Ronald Reagan?

8. ISIS: Sunni or Shiite?

9. What do they call Burma nowadays? What did Sri Lanka used to be?

10. Have you ever needed a job? Applied for one? Been turned down?

11. What was Stalin’s first name? Harry Truman’s middle name?

12. How many Congresspersons in the House of Representatives?

13. What’s the “capital” of Islam?

14. Where’s your local Unemployment office?

15. The Great Lakes. Name five.

16. There are three words in the French national motto. What are they?

17. What’s the best deli on Houston Street? (Hint : Meg Ryan)

18. Who won the Series last fall? And the Super Bowl?

19. Why do farmers grow clover?

20. Who’s the Prime Minister of Britain? How about Canada?

21. What’s your favorite supermarket?

22. How about the price of a half-gallon of milk?

23. IoT. What’s that mean?

24. Ph.D.? L.S.M.F.T.? FTA? QED? SOL?

25. What year was the Emancipation Proclamation? The Civil Rights Bill?

26. Paul was converted on the road to where?

27. What’s a 1099?

28. What used to happen on Whitehall Street? How about Tan Son Nhut?

29. Which region of Spain wants to secede?

30. Where was Barack Obama born? John McCain?

31. What’s the Holy Trinity?

32. What was the Immaculate Reception?

33. What’s in the Fourth Amendment?

34. Do you have a driver’s license? Have you ever been to the DMV?

35. Soul on Ice. Who wrote it? To Kill a Mockingbird? The Wealth of Nations?

36. Who killed Billy the Lion?

37. What’s the best way to spread manure?

38. Name the Jew who wrote “God Bless America.”

39. What’s your Social Security number?

40. What happened in Ripon, Wisconsin.

BONUS QUESTIONS: Who said, “Don't look back. Something might be gaining on you.” How about, “I never met a man I didn’t like.” Or: “What? Me Worry?”

There are actually 64 questions here, worth one point each. Don’t take it yourself. Pretend to be one or both of the candidates and assign your vote to the one with the highest score — so you can quit worrying about the whole catastrophe.