Useless stuff I’m glad
I learned (mostly in high school)
by David Benjamin
“… And we, so sadly past the bonfire and celebration of our birth,
Shall burn quietly,
Passing, on a zephyr, into a new realm
And blaze anew.”
— David Benjamin
Robert M. LaFollette High school yearbook, 1967
MADISON,
Wis. — Looking forward to seeing my best friend from high school at our
50th reunion, I realized that he and I are probably the only surviving
members of the Class of ’67 who can click our heels in sequence. We did
not seek this knowledge. It was thrust upon us by a blonde named Jillsey
(Class of ’68), who had snagged the female lead (Marian the Librarian)
in the school production of The Music Man. Jill was recruiting
male dancers for the musical’s underpopulated corps de ballet. Dick, her
erstwhile boyfriend, and I, her stalker, were eminently available — and
pliable.
So, Dick and I ended up cavorting on stage in front of
people. Jill also trapped Larry Stamm, whose premature demise — along
with those of Fred Astaire, Eleanor Powell and Gene Kelly — exacerbated
the national shortage of heel-clickers.
If you’ve ever tried
this trick, even once, you realize that it’s way harder than Gregory
Hines (Oh my God! He’s gone, too!) ever made it look. Clicking away ten
times in a row — which Dick, Larry and me had to do — is pure rocket
science.
Since my Music Man moment, I’ve gone older and
fatter, but I can still knock off a few heel-clicks. This useless relict
of my high-school days lets me apart from most of mankind. I cherish it
— rather perversely — more than much of the book-learning I’ve since
forgotten.
Thoughts of heel-clicking reminded me of other
superfluous lessons that were not on the LaFollette High School
curriculum, among which, for example, was the hard-learned conviction
that Girls Are People.
High school, unfortunately, coincides with
puberty. For boys, this clash of hormones with co-education triggers a
case of either reckless lust or paralyzing terror — directed at the
girls who were previously our occasional playmates or, in most cases,
furniture. Suddenly, they had all our attention but were not really
human. Without warning, they became objects of an unspeakable (or
overspoken) desire. This objectification, in those days, was encouraged
by every boy’s guide to manly suavity in 1967 — Playboy magazine.
We prowled our adolescence seeking the Playmate of the Month, but were
willing to settle for the girl in the desk in front of us in Mr.
Swanson’s English class.
(No, the other Mr. Swanson.).
Of
course, most boys, including me, could not find first base with the aid
of Sacajawea and a Rand McNally road atlas. We envied those James
Bondian paragons in our midst, a certain Dave and a particular Mark, who
exercised a wondrous, inexplicable power over girls. They were too
aloof and cool to intimate their secret. So the rest of us muddled about
and scored the occasional date, before which we drenched ourselves in
English Leather. We didn’t progress ’til much later, when we either
joined the Sexual Revolution, or married a girl who knew what goes
where, and when.
Although I failed chronically to win the heart
(or any other organ) of some girl, any girl, I started befriending babes
like Jill, for whom I was every bit as sexy as, say, a day-old oleo
sandwich on the cafeteria floor, but who found me vaguely amusing. I
served her by making jokes, sharing girlish secrets, listening to her
troubles, mocking her vanities and casting wry aspersions on her
cavalcade of airhead boyfriends.
This strategy actually got me
closer to a number of beautiful and vivacious girls than many of their
nominal boyfriends ever got. But those guys got kissed.
Me? Eh.
This
knack — for communicating with women without turning them on— became
the story of my life. Platonic bonding wasn’t in any of my high school
courses, but if not for high school, I might have wasted years wallowing
in meaningless sex.
While I was I learning, more or less, how
to talk to girls, I also learned that love is comedy, that romance is an
accidental mismatch that leads more often to heartbreak than joy. But I
also figured out, by and by, that few heartbreaks are permanent. Many
end with outright relief and most romances, especially those that fail,
come back to mind not painfully, but nostalgically.
There are, I know, several almost-girlfriends from high school whom I’d love to find, to reminisce, to apologize, and laugh.
I
learned as we all do that high-school, finally, is irrelevant. Among my
classmates, I know for sure only two of us — me and Vogt — who are
doing the same thing we did in high school. Vogt studied venomous
reptiles, and still does. I write the same sort of drivel I wrote when I
was 15. Neither of us learned our vocation from our high school
teachers, especially Vogt. (I had English teachers but I fought them
more than I heeded them).
Everyone else either found something
to do that they didn’t even think about in school, or they adjusted
their dreams when reality (or Vietnam) popped up and whacked them across
the chops. But all of us pressed on, did jobs, made careers of one sort
or another, got married, got divorced (or didn’t), found someone else
(if necessary), got older, got fatter (or shrank) and by now we’re all
signed up for Medicare and Social Security.
Best of all, we
mellowed out. Few today cling to the petty triumphs, heartbreaks, loves,
hates and grudges that haunted us 50 years ago. Almost all of the guys
who wanted to take me out behind the gym and beat me up can’t remember
who I was.
Finally, despite its sheer pointlessness, high
school’s one of the most relevant experiences we’ve ever lived. Having
holed up elsewhere in the world, I’ve come to understand that high
school is a rare passage, uniquely American. On the brink of adulthood,
we are plunged — without our consent — into a random society of old
friends and new strangers, forced to communicate, study, experiment,
fight, play, and explore our own insides more intensely than we’ll have
time to do again in our lives, until it’s too late.
High school
is where most of us learned how to relate to others, how not to relate,
how goddamn hard it is to relate, how remarkable it is to find a friend,
to encounter a person — or persons — whom you will trust completely as
long as you live.
When I see Dick, after five or ten years,
there’s no time or space between us. We start up as though we’d been
apart only as long it took for Dick to go to Mr. Meissen’s chemistry
class and for me to muddle through Latin III with Mrs. Atkins.
As the writer in the film Stand By Me
said at the end, we’ll never have friends like that again. Maybe that’s
what the grownups sent us to high school, against our will, to figure
out.
Sunday, August 27, 2017
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3 comments:
Nicely written, but I can't agree. In many ways, the three year stretch I did at TSHS was the worst time of my life.
Contrary to JD, this screed embodies almost everything about my THS Class of 1972. And in particular, the last three paragraphs.
Greatly written I would say (greatly as usual) and (as usual) David hits the nail on the head for me. I've always loved all of school - all the grades, the years, and college. - and I survived a year in Vietnam, lucky me. My 50th reunion was a bit of a disappointment when it seemed like I might have been one of the very few who may not have changed all that much since high school...with not much left for me to say to all those who did (change a lot).
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