Black Tidings greet the next Olympics
by David Benjamin
“We
shall not have peace until the prejudices that now separate the
different races shall have been outlived. To attain this end, what
better means than to bring the youth of all countries periodically
together for amicable trials of muscular strength and agility?”
— Pierre de Coubertin
MADISON,
Wis. — Olympic Games traditionalists were in a state of deep
despondency recently when word leaked out that the city of Tokyo had
snagged the 2020 Games without greasing a single member of the
International Olympic Committee (IOC). This act of unseemly integrity
threatened to send the Olympic movement plummeting down a slippery slope
that could end its cherished heritage of greed, waste, bloat, cronyism,
cheating, tasteless grandiosity and rampant drug abuse.
Since
then, however, it was revealed that the Tokyo bidders had edged out
Istanbul and Madrid by funneling a few rice bales full of yen through a
Singapore outfit called Black Tidings — God bless the IOC! You can’t
make this stuff up! — and a guy named Papa Massata Diack (really!),
whose papa used to run the International Athletic Association
Federation. Besides acting as the grifter for both Brazil’s and Japan’s Olympic graft, Papa Diack — dubbed the “Keyser Söze of sports marketing” by The Guardian
— is presently dodging French authorities, who want him for bribery,
corruption and money-laundering. The Black Tidings syndicate, meanwhile,
is reputed to be hip-deep in Vladimir Putin’s epic multi-Olympic doping
scam.
In other words, we be cool. Olympic tradition is alive and well and hiding out at a soapland in Kabukicho.
Tradition
will also rule when the World Anti-Doping Agency (WADA) slouches toward
Tokyo with its usual skeleton crew and a whole lot of urine cups.
WADA’s sleuths will again be doggedly testing for substances that
cheaters no longer use because they’ve moved on to a new generation of
performance-enhancing drugs (PED) that are less detectable and far more
potent.
But WADA, bless its heart, plugs away. Sometime in late
2021, WADA will discover tiny traces of the new PEDs in fluid samples
that its pee-stained minions didn’t have time to test during the Games.
The result will be dozens of gold medals taken away from scofflaws and
mailed (only slightly tarnished) to the losers who didn’t get to stand
on the podium and hear their national anthems.
In the end, thanks
to the IOC, WADA and the miracle of modern pharmaceutical science, the
Tokyo spectators who traveled thousands of miles, paying inflated
airfares, staggering hotel rates and exorbitant ticket prices, will sit
in the bleachers waving tiny flags, but also wondering: How many of
these sleek-muscled, Nike-branded demigods swimming back and forth or
scurrying around the track are juiced to the gills and higher than a
kite can fly oh me oh my. The lucky fans will be those who attend the
all-steroid weightlifting venue and the various blood-doping bicycle
derbies, where every jock is shooting up daily and masking brilliantly.
And all the world knows. And nobody cares, especially the International
Oligarchic Committee.
In 2020, no one — especially the shills on
NBC — will recall that Olympic tradition used to be somewhat less
sleazy. In 1896, when Pierre de Coubertin revived the Olympics, not one
of the athletes was a millionaire. In fact, they weren’t even paid to
play, ever. That was an actual rule. Olympic officials took away Jim
Thorpe’s medals when they learned he had played semi-pro baseball (not
even an Olympic sport then) one summer while he was in college.
Another
quaint tradition way back then was that Olympians competed individually
in contests whose results were readily discernible with finish lines
and tape measures. Think Chariots of Fire. It was all races,
leaps and tosses then, not dances and dives with “artistic elements”
performed before judges with political agendas and open palms. Coubertin
included no sports in the Olympics that required subjective judgment by
astigmatic umpires because… well, who knows? He was silent on this
issue probably because no one would have been silly enough to suggest
it.
Coubertin, almost certainly, would have deemed it unseemly
for winners to wrap themselves in their country’s flag and sweat all
over it while strutting around the stadium, taunting defeated rivals and
basking in the tribal arousal of their countrymen.
But
traditions change. The earliest modern Olympics were modest, thrifty and
almost neighborly. In 2020, the glut of sports that ravaged Rio de
Janeiro will not be enough for Tokyo. There’s gonna be more, more! —
more geography, more spending and more shuttling of glassy-eyed
spectators (“If it’s Tuesday, it must be horses, ridden by rich people,
jumping over giant shrubs”). In all, there will be 324 events in 32
sports. Among the new thrills are karate, which will probably prove to
be unwatchable, sport climbing, whatever that is, and two pastimes —
surfing and skateboard — that make fans like me nostalgic for Jim McKay
and “Wide World of Sports”… barrel-jumping at Grossinger’s, cliff-diving
in Acapulco, the “agony of defeat” guy bouncing down the hill…
Expect,
by 2024, for the IOC to seriously consider going whole-hog on “Wide
World”-type stuff… hot-dog eating, ultimate frisbee, miniature golf,
dwarf-tossing, topless Jell-O wrestling, synchronized croquet, perhaps a
pogo-stick marathon and — here’s one that just might eclipse the TV
ratings for pixie gymnastics — the 60-meter unicycle dash on a tightrope
over a crocodile pit.
Alas, one tradition that will be
difficult to continue in Tokyo will be the bulldozing of slums and the
displacement of thousands of poor people to make way for an “Olympic
village” that will later become luxury condos for rich people who can
afford shrub-jumping horses. Tokyo doesn’t have any major slums — at
least not now. However, that might change after the catastrophic
recession that now, traditionally, follows hot on the heels of the host
nation’s Olympic folly.
Thursday, September 7, 2017
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1 comment:
I am speechless! An absolute bullseye Benji. I had difficulty reading your comments because I couldn't stop laughing!
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