The Weekly Screed (#885)

The Goliath dialog

by David Benjamin

“Anybody throwing stones, rocks, like they did... to the Mexican police, where they badly hurt police and soldiers of Mexico... we will consider that a firearm, because there’s not much difference where you get hit in the face with a rock.”

                                                               — Donald Trump

MADISON, Wis. — Strangely enough, there are White House leaks nowadays that trickle all the way to the Midwest — and beyond. I got this tape from a presidential aide speaking on condition of anonymity (PASCA), who foolishly broached to his boss a comment by a Nigerian general, who referenced a passage in the Bible to justify his shoot-to-kill order against protesters who tossed rocks. The anonymous aide’s intention was to get Trump to walk back statements about stones in the hands of refugees approaching the U.S./Mexico border.

PASCA: “Mr. President, no soldiers were hurt. And they killed 20 students. But this Nigerian general conflated a few rock-throwing kids with the stone that felled Goliath.”

PREZ: “Goliath? Wait. I’ve heard of that, somewhere. Goliath. Yeah, that’d be a good name for a movie studio — Trump Goliath Mega-Pictures, huh? No, Trumpoliath! I made that up. I make up new words all the time. It’s part of my genius. IQ off the charts! ‘Alternative facts!’ That’s mine. ‘Bigly’ and ‘MAGA’! Those are mine, too. And ‘covfefe.’ I’m the only one who knows what it means. Trumpoliath Mega-Pictures! What an idea! My next tremendous success! Towers, hotels, casinos, golf courses, steaks, universities, the presidency, beautiful broads, movies! Hey, I could be producer, director! I could be in my own movies. Holy smokes, I’d be my biggest star. Think of the money I’d save! Remember me in ‘The Apprentice’? Best-rated TV show in history. Nothing ever like it. Nothing! Ever!”

PASCA: “Mr. President, that Nigerian general’s reference to Goliath was — ”

PREZ: “I’m a good actor, y’know. Great. I’m a tremendous actor — Oscar level, really. I mean, look at what they got in Hollywood now, a bunch of losers. Look at that swishy little creep Ryan Gosling! I could act circles around — and Tom Hanks? He couldn’t stand next to me! I’m talkin‘ about the next John Wayne, the next Chuck Norris — only with charisma! That’s what I bring to everything — charisma. That’s why people love me. Actresses, they love me. They always have. I know a lot of ’em. They come at me — actresses, starlets, those girls that stand next to the prizes on ‘The Price Is Right’ — they go for me like dogs after a yooge pile of Porterhouse steak. And that’s what I’d do — let ’em come right to me with their tongues hangin‘ out, one after the other, in their little dresses with red thongs underneath. Right here in the Oval Office. Hot and cold running babes on the Resolute desk. ‘Hiya, honey. Show me what ya got! Act, baby! Act like ya love me!’ And they would. Are you kiddin‘? Everybody loves me. The most popular president there ever was. They all want me here. I’ll run my studio while I’m still president. I mean, why not? Why wait? Why quit this job? There’d be riots if I left. There will be. They love me. They all love me. The blacks. The Jews. The babes.”

PASCA: “Mr. President? A casting couch in the Oval — ”

PREZ: “Don’t interrupt, Sparky. Hey! Wait a minute! Goliath! Wasn’t that in the, you know, Bible? With Corinthians Three and all that. Didn’t Goliath have long hair and he pushed over a temple?”

PASCA: “No, sir. That was Sams — ”

PREZ: “That’s me, y’know! Pushing down temples, draining the swamp, building a wall, launching missiles, grabbing pussy, busting treaties, stopping caravans, bitch-slapping Angela Merkel, body-slamming CNN. What about my first movie? Wait! I can see it: Trumpoliath Mega-Pictures Presents the President of the United States in… okay, what’s a good title? I got it! I got it! ‘Towering Hero’ — no, ‘SuperHero!’ — no, ‘Towering SuperDuperHero vs. the Swamp Monsters.’ I’m, like, a hundred — no, a thousand feet high — and I step on everybody who stands in the way of the Forgotten Man. Squish ’em like bugs. And I walk like a giant — Trumpoliath the savior of America — to the Mexican border and there they are. Thousands and thousands— millions —  of sweaty little bean-eating bugs, throwing rocks and bricks and building materials. Throwing everything, with nails and sharp edges. It’s like a Holocaust. Brave soldiers — Americans — they’re  being attacked by a hurricane — a Holocaust — of rocks and stones. Our brave boys are gonna be overrun. An endless wave of illegals — rapists, drug lords, murderers, Middle Easterners, MS-13 gangbangers with knives in their teeth, a million pregnant girls carrying fat, ugly anchor babies and muling heroin up their asses — pouring across the river, overwhelming our brave, loyal troops, slitting the throats of our Border Patrol, who all love me. The endorsed me, y’know, the border guys. They love me, even the ones with Mexican names, the Gomezes and Pacos. Love me, they love me, and boom! There I am! Trumpoliath, the giant President, bigger than life. Towering and yooge! One foot comes down, crushes fifty of the bugs. They fling bricks and jab at my ankles. They ruin my shoes, but they can’t stop me! The stones bounce off — ”

PASCA: “Excuse me, Mr. President, sir. That isn’t exactly how the story goes. In the Bible, Goliath is toppled and dies, when David — ”

PREZ: “What the hell are you talkin‘ about. Who’s this David? David? That’s his name? It’s a sissy name — David.”

PASCA: “Oh, I agree, Mr. President. David was puny. But he had this sling, you see, and — wait. Here, you can read it yourself.”

Suddenly, the tape goes silent. According to the anonymous aide, the president is staring at a page from the first Book of Samuel. His lips are moving, his brow is wrinkled. Finally, the aide intervenes.

PASCA: “Mind if I read it for you. Boss?”

PREZ: “I love to read. I read all the time. No one ever loved reading more than me. Documents, though. I read documents. This isn’t a document. This is — ”

PASCA: “The Word of God. Yes sir. Why don’t I just rattle this off. ‘And David put his hand in his bag — ’”

PREZ: “A purse! He carried a purse?”

PASCA: “… put his hand in his, um, toolbelt, and took thence a stone, and slang it, and smote the Philistine — ”

PREZ: “Just a minute here, Sparky! You got this sissy David flipping a stone at another guy, whose name is Phyllis?”

PASCA: “No, sir. Not Phyllis. The Philistines were — ”

PREZ: “No, no, no, this fake news! You’re talkin‘ some sort of teenage gay club with a lot of boys named Phyllis and Alice and Jennifer. Forget it! This is fake news. Fake! News! Where’d you find that book anyway? Y’know, I went to a military school. Military! Top of my class! No sissies there! We kicked ass. I personally kicked more asses than anybody ever kicked before. That’s how I got my bone spurs, from kickin‘ ass. And takin‘ names, like Phyllis.”

PASCA: “Please, sir, that was Philist — ”

PREZ: “Put the damn book away, Sparky. I want you on the phone right now. I want starlets. We’re makin‘ a movie. We can film on location, right there on the border. And shoot real illegals, on the hoof. That’ll save a lot of money. What do they call that? Cinema varieté?”

PASCA: “Verité, sir.”

PREZ: “Whatever, Sparky. Why are you still here? Why aren’t calling up starlets?”