The caravan of the living dead
by David Benjamin
“This is the part in the movie where that guy says, "Zombies? What zombies?" just before they eat his brains. I don't want to be that guy.”
— Holly Black
(Two senior staffers overheard in a White House toilet.)
STEVE: (Indicating a video on his phone) “Here, look at this!”
MICK: “Oh yeah. Cool. It’s from the Day of the Dead. I’ve read about it. Mexicans believe that by mimicking and spoofing the dead — wearing skeleton costumes and skull masks — they can diminish the power and fear of Death itself.”
STEVE: “No, no, Mick. You miss my point.”
MICK: “Point? There’s a point?”
STEVE: “Absolutely! What if…”
MICK: “What if what?”
STEVE: “What if those aren’t costumes?”
MICK: “But they are costumes. Look! Buttons. Zippers.”
STEVE: (Not bothering to look) “Right. But what if…”
MICK: “What if what?”
STEVE: “C’mon, Mick. Use your imagination.”
MICK: “You mean, what if these people pretending to be dead were really dead?”
STEVE: “Exactly.”
MICK: “What’re you getting at here, Steve?”
STEVE: “I’m saying that if these weren’t costumes, if these killing, raping, drug-smuggling, walking Mexicans were really dead, then they would be… what?”
MICK: “Zombies?”
STEVE: “No, Mick! Not just zombies. Thousands and thousands of killing, raping, drug-smuggling, walking Mexican zombies, forming a monstrous caravan, marching, shuffling, crawling their way unstoppably northward, to the border, to wade across the Rio Grande, clamber over fences and scramble their bloody way through razor-wire. And then, once across, carnage! They begin to eat the living flesh of Americans — women and children, grandmothers, kittens, puppies.”
MICK: “You can’t be serious. As dumb as he is, he would never believe — ”
STEVE: “Believe? What’s to ‘believe’? Here we have proof, visual evidence. Right here on my phone. Look. The walking dead! We can show him!”
MICK: “Steve, we both know that’s just film of a festival in Mexico.”
STEVE: “Really? How do we know for sure? These fake dead might be fake news. Besides, do you have any idea how many episodes there are of ‘The Walking Dead’? I mean, talk about real. Talk about believable!”
MICK: “Steve, you’re talking about a TV show. It’s fiction.”
STEVE: “So are those Sicario movies. The ones with the women who get all duct-taped and dragged through the Chihuahua desert and sold into white slavery. The ones he keeps raving about as though they’re real. And believable.”
MICK: “To him, they are real. And believable.”
STEVE: “Finally. You just got my point.”
MICK: “Oh my God. You’re right. I mean, he does, after all, believe Jersey City was full of cheering Muslims on 9/11.”
STEVE: “And that Jared Kushner can make magical peace in Israel.”
MICK: “That the melting of the polar ice cap is a Chinese card trick.”
STEVE: “That Ted Cruz’s old man shot JFK from the grassy knoll.”
MICK: “That the Klan and the Nazis are warm and loving ‘good people.’”
STEVE: “Shall we go on? Shall we talk about the threat from Montenegro?”
MICK: “No, but… how do we break it to him?”
STEVE: “We don’t. Sean Hannity can handle that, every night at nine.”
MICK: “Of course. It’s right up Sean’s alley. Thousands of undead — ”
STEVE: “Millions.”
MICK: “Yes, millions of undead, in an endless, swelling caravan, munching their way through Mexico, breeding and expanding, threatening America with the worst zombie Apocalypse since… since what?”
STEVE: “Dawn of the Dead. It’s a classic.”
MICK: “Yeah, I love the scenes in the shopping mall.
STEVE: “Tugs at your heartstrings, man.”
MICK: “But will even Hannity swallow this crap?”
STEVE: “You think he cares? If it whips up the Base, he’ll damn the torpedoes. Limbaugh won’t even hesitate. Ann Coulter might be a zombie — but she’ll join the chorus. And ‘Fox and Friends.’ Laura, Matt, Tucker — all the sources he trusts and fears. Then, God bless her, Nancy Pelosi will seal the deal.”
MICK: “Of course. She’ll be quoted in the Times, the Post and CNN that there ain’t no zombies — and she’ll spit in the eye of every redblooded, churchgoing, undead-fearing, Trump-trusting live American.”
STEVE: “Okay, Mick, we have a message, we need a plan. First thing, we schedule a huuuge rally. In, say, Lubbock.”
MICK: “Good, but how about Des Moines?”
STEVE: “Of course. Iowa — with banners everywhere: UNDO THE UNDEAD! ZAP THE ZOMBIES! OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!”
MICK: “Then, at the rally’s climax, he calls for volunteers, thousands!”
STEVE: “Millions!”
MICK: “Millions of loyal Americans, armed to the gills, stampeding to Texas, New Mexico, California, leaving their homes and jobs, shouldering their .30-.30s, poised to blow out the brains of anything that moves. Shooting and screaming! ‘Die, zombie, die!’ And chainsaws, Steve! We’re gonna need a lot of chainsaws!”
STEVE: “Gentlemen, start your engines!”
MICK: “But shouldn’t he start it all? I mean, it’ll be his idea. Shouldn’t the President be the one to ceremonially splatter the first undocumented zombie?”
STEVE: “Right again, Mick. We’ll set that up. Film crews recording, in color, from a dozen angles, the head shot seen ’round the world. Kapow!”
MICK: “Thing is… what if he misses? I mean, he doesn’t aim real well. I’ve seen him on the golf course.”
STEVE: “Don’t worry. We’ll edit the film and he’ll think he hit the bullseye. He’ll tell everyone. The best shot in history. Bob Lee Swagger, eat your heart out!”
MICK: “I just had another thought. What about wooden stakes?”
STEVE: “Wooden stakes?”
MICK: “Yeah, besides guns and chainsaws and all, shouldn’t he tell his followers to bring wooden stakes? So they can pound them into — ”
STEVE: “No, man. Wooden stakes are for — Wait, by Jove, you’ve got it! Vampires!”
MICK: “Vampires?”
STEVE: “Mick, I love ya. Zombies and vampires! You’re a genius, bro. Rapists and the walking dead, vampires and kids in cages. Shotguns and wooden stakes! Pitchforks and torches! Fear and loathing on the caravan trail! On to 2020! We cannot lose, man!”
(An urgent banging on the door, a strident voice.)
MICK: “Uh oh. He needs to get in here. He’s been a little constipated lately.”
STEVE: “Really? Talk about great timing.”
MICK: “Great timing?”
STEVE: “Of course. For a man who trusts his gut, this is a National Emergency! Quickly, Mick. Cue the video! Scare the shit out of him.”
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