The Weekly Screed (#690)

The next Bill of Rights:

A few suggestions

by David Benjamin

PARIS — One of the charms of a few weeks among our French friends is hearing them bellyache about the government. Not ours. Theirs! They gripe about weak leadership, legislative gridlock, a chaotic and divisive party system, an 18^th-century constitution inadequate to the unforeseen challenges of an entirely new millennium. However, while I enjoy the schadenfreude that comes with all this Gallic kvetching, I have to admit to similar issues back in the USA. Although America is the world’s oldest and best-conceived constitutional democracy, we’ve failed to fill many of the gaps in the Constitution that have cropped up since 1787.

The Bill of Rights was tacked on to the Constitution already in 1791. Since then, Americans have continued to tweak our founding document, with 17 more amendments. But lately, we’re coping with developments in technology, politics, law, science and even religion have altered the very nature of American democracy. We’re overdue for the biggest tweak of all, a whole new Bill of Rights.

Here are a few suggestions.

First — even though a couple of them are already mentioned in the First Amendment, let’s fold Franklin Delano Roosevelt’s poetic and visionary Four Freedoms right into the text of America’s highest law: freedom of speech, freedom of worship, freedom from want, freedom from fear.

Second — Voting is a sacred right. No hindrances shall restrict any citizen’s right to vote. Lifelong registration to vote will occur automatically on each citizen’s 18^th birthday, will carry his or her Social Security Number, and will follow wherever that citizen moves. All polling places — in every state, without exception — will apply the same procedures, use the same ballot design and technology, and follow the same schedule. Election officials who deviate from this standard will be tortured on sight by federal marshals. Early voting will be allowed daily starting 30 days before Election Day. Election Day, the first Tuesday in November, will be a national holiday. Anyone hanging around the polls who’s not voting and not a poll worker will be dragged away by federal marshals.

Third — The right of privacy is absolute. No individual or agency — governmental, public or private — will be allowed to intrude in any way into a citizen’s home, property or person, physically or electronically, without a warrant issued and signed by proper judicial authority.

Fourth — America is the world’s refuge. The following words will guide all decisions regarding immigration, asylum, economic displacement and flight from terror: “Give me your tired, your poor, Your huddled masses yearning to breathe free, The wretched refuse of your teeming shore. Send these, the homeless, tempest-tossed to me, I lift my lamp beside the golden door!” (Emma Lazarus)

Fifth — Public education was a unique stroke of American genius and remains the backbone of American democracy. It is an unfinished project. All schools, right now, must be made equal in every respect — in resources, pedagogy, safety, accessibility, academic rigor and curriculum. All students will graduate. All teachers will be trained thoroughly, subject to the equivalent of the bar examination and will be thereafter respected, compensated and disciplined as professionals on par with lawyers, doctors, engineers, hedge fund managers and members of Congress. Parents who meddle in their kid’s grades will be sent to detention. College will be free. Michelle Rhee will — please, finally! — STFU. 

Sixth — Health is a basic right. No one in America will be denied complete prompt and conscientious medical care, regardless of wealth, social status, or insurance coverage.

Seventh — The integrity of the human body in a democracy is absolute and inviolable. Congress shall make no law interfering or allowing anyone to interfere, in any way, with medical decisions reached in the sacrosanct privacy of the doctor’s office between physician and patient. Anyone violating this standard will be subject to weekly colonoscopies for an indefinite period.

Eighth — As all people are created equal, all equal work will be paid equally, regardless of the age, gender, race, creed, color or sexual orientation of the worker. Offenses against this standard will be deemed the responsibility of the employing entity’s highest authority  (e.g., the CEO, or “boss”) — who, when found guilty, will be sentenced to breaking rocks in the hot sun, without pay or toilet breaks.

Ninth — An independent judiciary is fundamental to the principle of fairness in a free republic. Judges are the priests of democracy and must remain politically celibate. Judges will be appointed by the executive branch of government or by an independent judicial panel. No judge will take part in partisan politics in any way and will not be chosen by popular election. No judge will be allowed to participate in political activities, or to affiliate with or appear before or receive any amount of money from any group with a possible interest in cases before his or her court. Ever. Even if he’s on the Supreme Court. Especially if he’s on the Supreme Court.

Tenth — Freedom from guns is a right as basic as having a gun. Any citizen who fears guns, or who simply appreciates the danger inherent in the presence of a loaded gun, has the right to demand the removal of that gun to a reasonably safe distance, beyond the gun’s accurate range and up to 100 miles. Any gun-carrying citizen refusing to comply with this standard is subject to being shot summarily but not fatally (preferably in a really painful spot), with his or her own gun.

Eleventh — Thou shalt not bear false witness or talk out of your ass into a microphone, even on talk radio and cable TV.

Twelfth — Anybody should be free to marry anybody they want — boy, girl or bowling team. Why are we even talking about this?