If you don’t buy this war,
we’ll kill this dog
by David Benjamin
“The Queen had only one way of settling all difficulties, great or small. ‘Off with his head!’ she said, without even looking round.”
— Lewis Carroll, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland
MADISON,
Wis. — With the recent beheadings in the Middle East of American
journalists James Foley and Steven Sotloff, and British aid worker David
Haines, decapitation shot to the top of the charts as the hottest
political fad of 2014. To suggest that the Republican Party is not
feasting ravenously on every fresh, grisly YouTube video of a black-clad
masked marauder — as he saws off the heads of hapless hostages — is to
naively misconstrue the morbid glee of the GOP.
Of course,
everyone says solemnly that they’re appalled, outraged, livid and
totally grossed-out by these gruesome scenes, but hey…
If Foley’s
murder had not showed up on YouTube and several hundred other websites,
Lindsey Graham, John McCain, Jim Inhofe and their GOP co-hysterics in
the Senate never could have justified the hearings in which they’re
demanding an immediate damn-the-torpedoes U.S. invasion of Syria, Iraq,
possibly Turkey, maybe Iran and oh-my-god! What about Yemen?
Graham, who is currently beating the war drums even harder than John “Bomb Bomb Iran” McCain, said in June, “I don't think we need boots on the ground. I don't think that is an option worth consideration.”
After Foley lost his head, Graham’s tune went like this: “This idea we’ll never have any boots on the ground to defeat them in Syria is fantasy.”
What a difference a severed noggin makes.
Meanwhile,
as I watched Graham and McCain demand that our reluctant generals send
hordes of dumb, patriotic kids from Yellow Snow, Idaho to die on the
thankless sands of Iraq and Syria, it occurred to me that the
bloodthirsty militants of ISIS (or ISIL, or Daesh) might actually be led
by a literal-thinking fraternity of post-Sixties nostalgia buffs. Look
closely and you can’t help but recognize the Foley, Sotloff and Haines
videos as a blatant (and clearly tasteless) real-life variation on
perhaps the best satirical magazine image of all time — when the cover
of the National Lampoon
depicted a nervous mutt with a gun to his head, next to a caption that
read: “If you don’t buy this magazine, we’ll kill this dog.”
Today, 41 years after that Lampoon,
Republicans in Washington are riffing — without a hint of irony — on
that warped, but hilarious message. They stridently warn President Obama
that “If you don’t start this war, Muslim terrorists will keep
decapitating innocent white people, and it’ll all be your fault,
Rastus!”
Sen. Graham and cohorts know a useful trend when they
see one. Before James Foley bit the dust, no one had the least appetite
for clogging the Syrian quagmire with doomed American GIs. Now, approval
for U.S. troops to fight ISIS is 34 percent. That doesn’t sound like
much? A couple of weeks ago, the number was zero. If this was the Top
40, Casey Kasem (rest his soul) would be playing the
Foley/Sotloff/Haines triple feature every hour on the hour and raving
about how the surprise hit, “Another Pointless War,” was heading for
Number One, “with a bullet.”
There’s no telling how far and fast
the vogue might spread. But it will. I can see embattled incumbents all
over America leaping onto the tumbril in panicked droves. Picture, for
example, an apparent campaign ad for Kentucky
Democratic Senate candidate Alison Lundergan Grimes. A black-hooded
figure, perhaps wearing a black t-shirt with the visage of Ms. Grimes,
holds a razor-edged Ottoman sword over the neck of a bound, blindfolded
African-American virgin. An ominous voice-over intones these chilling
words: “If you vote for Mitch McConnell, this high-school valedictorian
and scholarship student at the University of Kentucky will die horribly,
before your very eyes, at the hands of this Democrat executioner.”
Of
course, the ad would be a plant by the McConnell campaign. But imagine
the impact, especially on the black voters who normally despise Mitch —
especially if, in a follow-up ad, the girl actually gets her head hacked
off (or so it seems). Talk about viral!
Presumably, the
subterfuge would be discovered and fact-checked by some newspaper that
nobody reads. But by then, YouTube hits would be in the millions and
Grimes’ candidacy would be deader than the headless virgin.
By
and by — although they’re traditionally slow on the uptake — Democrats
might fight back with decapitation clips of their own. I’d love to see,
for instance, Gov. Scott Walker
of Wisconsin whacking off the head of a unionized kindergarten teacher
and mounting it above the wet bar on his rumpus-room wall next to last
fall’s twelve-point buck.
But, as we saw in France toward the end of the Reign of Terror, and in England after Henry VIII beheaded his ninth or tenth wife, the public will exhibit what psychologists call “guillotine
fatigue.” The shock value wears off. Heads keep rolling, but the
bloodthirsty crowds — who’ve seen it all before — begin to thin.
Replica-head soccer balls stop selling at Dick’s, Wal-Mart holds a
half-price sale on black hoods, and the YouTube views for ISIS dwindle
to a trickle.
The last gasp of the decapitation fad might well
be our own president desperate for one lonely legislative victory before
leaving office. He stands on an Alaskan ice floe, aiming a twelve-gauge
shotgun. He says, “My fellow Americans, if Congress doesn’t raise the
minimum wage, I’ll blow out this baby seal’s brains.”
Too little,
too late. Nobody watches. The president lets the seal go. America keeps
mopping floors and flipping burgers for $7.25 an hour.
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
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