A few questions for
the populist in chief
by David Benjamin
“People who boast about their IQ are losers.”
— Stephen Hawking
Not
long ago, Donald Trump spent years demanding that President Barack
Obama produce his birth certificate and prove that he was a natural-born
citizen. Trump also wanted to see the president’s college transcripts,
evincing the theory that a colored boy like Obama lacked the IQ to
matriculate — as he did — in the Ivy League (Columbia and Harvard Law).
Now
that Trump has succeeded Obama, turnabout is simply a matter of fair
play. Alas, our media and political class seem hesitant to pose the sort
of basic background questions that Trump weaponized against Obama.
For
instance, Trump has often said that he’s “like, really smart.” He once
claimed he would win an IQ contest against Secretary of State Rex
Tillerson (who had referred to Trump as a “moron”). This is an issue
easily settled.
Mr. Trump, what IS your IQ?
Let’s see it. Lay it out there for us to behold in humble wonder.
While
we’re at it, let’s see your SAT scores, your grades at the New York
Military Academy, your transcripts from Fordham University and the
University of Pennsylvania. We can only assume that they’ll reflect your
brilliance.
Trump brags about attending the Wharton School,
which is the University of Pennsylvania’s vocational wing. But really,
Wharton is most famous not for its undergrad program but for its MBA
curriculum. So, Donald, did you apply to graduate school? If so, what
happened?
If you didn’t even apply, how come?
Tell us.
Another
thing. One of the best indicators of academic excellence is writing. At
an Ivy League school like Penn — and even at Fordham — students have to
turn in dozens of research papers, often 20-30 pages long — with footnotes.
It’s well documented that, nowadays, Trump lacks the patience to read
anything longer than a page. How was he able to write, singlehandedly,
six to ten papers per semester in every subject from English to
economics over four years of college.
Let’s see a few. Not all of
them. Just the most trenchant and tremendous ones that will eventually
be enshrined in the Trump Presidential Library.
(In fairness, let’s note that Obama has “shown his work” in this realm, as editor of the Harvard Law Review and author of two books before his presidency, without the aid of a paid ghostwriter.)
Speaking
of school, Trump has mentioned often that he was the best athlete
anyone ever saw at New York Military, Fordham and Penn. Okay then, but
where is the trail of his herculean exploits? Are there clippings?
Which
sports, Bubba? How many games did you start? How many varsity letters?
How many times were you named to all-conference and All-Ivy teams, in
how many sports? What were your scoring averages?
Specifically,
you’ve said that at some point in your brilliant athletic career you
were widely regarded as one of the greatest baseball prospects in the
nation. This is wonderful, but it’s a little vague. What position? What
were your numbers like — you know, home runs, batting average,
strikeouts, earned run average, no-hitters, stolen bases?
Don’t
be shy, Donny Baseball. If you were the best New York slugger since
Mickey Mantle, strut your stuff. Spout your stats. Cue the video!
Speaking
of slugging, it’s well-known that your main sport now is golf. You’ve
often told us that your drive is tremendous. You could’ve been a pro. We
believe you, but, just to verify, what’s your handicap? Or better yet,
why resort to numbers? Let’s just follow you around Doral or Turnberry
with a film crew, a live microphone and Phil Mickelson.
Talk about a reality show!
Although
Trump, bless his heart, is the most strident saber-rattler in
presidential history, he whiffed on a gold-star chance to serve his
nation in Vietnam. After four student deferments, his local draft board
in 1968 declared him 1-A. He was ready to march off to war in 1968, when
— oops — it turned out, according his doctor, that Trump had “heel
spurs.” This nick-of-time 4-F has spawned accusations, from some
veterans of the Vietnam War, that Trump was just another silver-spoon
brat who got his rich daddy’s concierge physician to write him a
get-out-of-Hell pass.
Best way to disprove this slander, Mr. President? Show us the x-rays.
Trump
has also trumpeted the dazzling tremendousness of his wee-wee. “I
guarantee to you there’s no problem, I guarantee!” he said, in front of
10,000 people who didn’t come to the arena expecting penis comparisons.
Again, easy to answer. We’ve sent the kids out of the room. Go ahead, big guy. Seeing is guaranteeing.
Above
all, Donald Trump styles himself as a man of the people, a
tell-it-like-it-is spokesman for the Forgotten Man, a guy who feels,
viscerally, the struggle of the blue-collar grunts who’ve been left
behind by the liberal elites who run the Establishment. But there are a
few blue-collar holdouts (like me) who wonder if Trump really
understands how life unfolds in an America beyond the razor-wire that
keeps us out of Mar-a-Lago.
So, a quiz for the populist-in-chief:
Have you ever needed a job? Ever applied for one? Interviewed for one? Begged?
Have you ever earned an hourly wage? Punched a clock? Cashed a paycheck? Hated your boss? Filed for Unemployment?
Do you have a driver’s license? Did you ever? Ever stand in line at the DMV?
Can you drive a stick? Do you know what a stick is?
Have
you ever needed a jump? Do you know what a jump is? What do you do with
a lug wrench? How do you change your oil? How often?
How much is a quart of milk? A pound of hamburger? A lightbulb? A package of diapers? A six-pack?
Have you ever paid rent? Ever dodged the landlord? Ever gone without heat? Ever paid child support?
Have you ever seen the inside of a pawn shop?
When you were in school, did you ever skip lunch? If so, why?
Have you ever waited for a bus? Chased a bus? Ridden a bus?
Can you translate these initials: GI, PFC, SNAFU, MRE, FUBAR, FTA?
How does the 23rd Psalm start?
This
is basic Forgotten Man shit. We’ve all been there, done that. For a
populist, these are big questions. Getting the answers would be real
news for real people. I’m not sure why the press — whom Trump has
declared to be “the enemy of the people” — have never asked these
questions.
Finally, we keep hearing Donald Trump shout, fearfully
and angrily — but without any details — about “what the hell is going
on” in America.
Okay then. Trump’s been in charge for a whole year. Let’s ask him, and keep asking: “What the hell IS going on, boss?”
Tuesday, February 13, 2018
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1 comment:
While I have heard actual human beings in one breath say that Obama is a Muslim and at least Trump had a job. Leaving aside the very interesting question of just what job would qualify a per son to be president, someone more clever and persistent than I am could, I think, make a parody of the famous Monty Python "Spam" sketch only with clips of politicians saying, "jobs! jobs! jobs! jobs! jobs! ....jobs! jobs! jobs! jobs! jobs! ... Jooooooooobs! Jobity-jobs! "jobs! jobs! jobs! jobs! jobs! ....jobs! jobs! jobs! jobs! jobs! ... Jooooooooobs! Jobity-jobs! "jobs! jobs! jobs! jobs! jobs! ....jobs! jobs! jobs! jobs! jobs! ... Jooooooooobs! Jobity-jobs!." However Trump, as for all I know, all the other jibber-jabbering politicians by "jobs" mean "manufacturing jobs." Bur right now far more Americans have service sector jobs, which is a code word for "crap job with crap hours and crap pay and crap or no benefits and no chance of advancement." While it is beyond belife that Trump knows what its like to go down in a coal mine to work, conceivably he could actually know something about service sector jobs although he's mostlhy like to consider such jobs only as an expense to be minimized. How have service sector workers fared working for Trump? How many ex-Trump employees voted for him? And if so, why in god's name!?
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