The Weekly Screed (#851)

A few questions for
the populist in chief
by David Benjamin

“People who boast about their IQ are losers.”
                                         —  Stephen Hawking

Not long ago, Donald Trump spent years demanding that President Barack Obama produce his birth certificate and prove that he was a natural-born citizen. Trump also wanted to see the president’s college transcripts, evincing the theory that a colored boy like Obama lacked the IQ to matriculate — as he did — in the Ivy League (Columbia and Harvard Law).

Now that Trump has succeeded Obama, turnabout is simply a matter of fair play. Alas, our media and political class seem hesitant to pose the sort of basic background questions that Trump weaponized against Obama.

For instance, Trump has often said that he’s “like, really smart.” He once claimed he would win an IQ contest against Secretary of State Rex Tillerson (who had referred to Trump as a “moron”). This is an issue easily settled.

Mr. Trump, what IS your IQ?

Let’s see it. Lay it out there for us to behold in humble wonder.

While we’re at it, let’s see your SAT scores, your grades at the New York Military Academy, your transcripts from Fordham University and the University of Pennsylvania. We can only assume that they’ll reflect your brilliance.

Trump brags about attending the Wharton School, which is the University of Pennsylvania’s vocational wing. But really, Wharton is most famous not for its undergrad program but for its MBA curriculum. So, Donald, did you apply to graduate school? If so, what happened?

If you didn’t even apply, how come?

Tell us.

Another thing. One of the best indicators of academic excellence is writing. At an Ivy League school like Penn — and even at Fordham — students have to turn in dozens of research papers, often 20-30 pages long — with footnotes. It’s well documented that, nowadays, Trump lacks the patience to read anything longer than a page. How was he able to write, singlehandedly, six to ten papers per semester in every subject from English to economics over four years of college.

Let’s see a few. Not all of them. Just the most trenchant and tremendous ones that will eventually be enshrined in the Trump Presidential Library.

(In fairness, let’s note that Obama has “shown his work” in this realm, as editor of the Harvard Law Review and author of two books before his presidency, without the aid of a paid ghostwriter.)

Speaking of school, Trump has mentioned often that he was the best athlete anyone ever saw at New York Military, Fordham and Penn. Okay then, but where is the trail of his herculean exploits? Are there clippings?

Which sports, Bubba? How many games did you start? How many varsity letters? How many times were you named to all-conference and All-Ivy teams, in how many sports? What were your scoring averages?

Specifically, you’ve said that at some point in your brilliant athletic career you were widely regarded as one of the greatest baseball prospects in the nation. This is wonderful, but it’s a little vague. What position? What were your numbers like — you know, home runs, batting average, strikeouts, earned run average, no-hitters, stolen bases?

Don’t be shy, Donny Baseball. If you were the best New York slugger since Mickey Mantle, strut your stuff. Spout your stats. Cue the video!

Speaking of slugging, it’s well-known that your main sport now is golf. You’ve often told us that your drive is tremendous. You could’ve been a pro. We believe you, but, just to verify, what’s your handicap? Or better yet, why resort to numbers? Let’s just follow you around Doral or Turnberry with a film crew, a live microphone and Phil Mickelson.

Talk about a reality show!

Although Trump, bless his heart, is the most strident saber-rattler in presidential history, he whiffed on a gold-star chance to serve his nation in Vietnam. After four student deferments, his local draft board in 1968 declared him 1-A. He was ready to march off to war in 1968, when — oops — it turned out, according his doctor, that Trump had “heel spurs.” This nick-of-time 4-F has spawned accusations, from some veterans of the Vietnam War, that Trump was just another silver-spoon brat who got his rich daddy’s concierge physician to write him a get-out-of-Hell pass.

Best way to disprove this slander, Mr. President? Show us the x-rays.

Trump has also trumpeted the dazzling tremendousness of his wee-wee. “I guarantee to you there’s no problem, I guarantee!” he said, in front of 10,000 people who didn’t come to the arena expecting penis comparisons.

Again, easy to answer. We’ve sent the kids out of the room. Go ahead, big guy. Seeing is guaranteeing.

Above all, Donald Trump styles himself as a man of the people, a tell-it-like-it-is spokesman for the Forgotten Man, a guy who feels, viscerally, the struggle of the blue-collar grunts who’ve been left behind by the liberal elites who run the Establishment. But there are a few blue-collar holdouts (like me) who wonder if Trump really understands how life unfolds in an America beyond the razor-wire that keeps us out of Mar-a-Lago.

So, a quiz for the populist-in-chief:

Have you ever needed a job? Ever applied for one? Interviewed for one? Begged?

Have you ever earned an hourly wage? Punched a clock? Cashed a paycheck? Hated your boss? Filed for Unemployment?

Do you have a driver’s license? Did you ever? Ever stand in line at the DMV?

Can you drive a stick? Do you know what a stick is?

Have you ever needed a jump? Do you know what a jump is? What do you do with a lug wrench? How do you change your oil? How often?

How much is a quart of milk? A pound of hamburger? A lightbulb? A package of diapers? A six-pack?

Have you ever paid rent? Ever dodged the landlord? Ever gone without heat? Ever paid child support?

Have you ever seen the inside of a pawn shop?

When you were in school, did you ever skip lunch? If so, why?

Have you ever waited for a bus? Chased a bus? Ridden a bus?

Can you translate these initials: GI, PFC, SNAFU, MRE, FUBAR, FTA?

How does the 23rd Psalm start?

This is basic Forgotten Man shit. We’ve all been there, done that. For a populist, these are big questions. Getting the answers would be real news for real people. I’m not sure why the press — whom Trump has declared to be “the enemy of the people” — have never asked these questions.

Finally, we keep hearing Donald Trump shout, fearfully and angrily — but without any details — about “what the hell is going on” in America.

Okay then. Trump’s been in charge for a whole year. Let’s ask him, and keep asking: “What the hell IS going on, boss?”